The Cycle

Love; love; strife; death.

Sounds about right.

I can’t barf back up the red pill, no matter how much I try.

THAT’S IT!

I keep expecting the revolutions will stop. 

But they will not. 

They cannot.

There are “breathers” between births

but that’s it. 

This is the cycle of Life.

Had I known this before I decided to re-enter

I would have re-considered.

For so long my biggest fear was abandonment.  After the humiliation, I thought I was fearless. 

The test came, however, when dueling with Love.

I panicked.

I didn’t know I panicked, I just knew something was wrong -- whatever it was.

So I sought the advice of The Oracle. 

He drew in a long, sharp breath.  He knew the truth would hurt.  He didn’t know it would kill. 

“You are just like your Mother,” he said.

He wasn’t complimenting my style or my wit or my flair for throwing parties.  He was telling me that I, too, can terrify those I love most.  And not even know it.

My ambivalence over creating my own family is in no small part due to my profound worry that I absorbed the terrible parts of my Mother.  And now there is no denying it:  My Dad confirmed my worst suspicions about myself.

I am desperate for this not to be true.  I have tried to cut, bleed, vomit, shit, cry, talk and pray it out.  I let go of my anger and I THOUGHT THAT WOULD DO IT. 

I now understand I ALSO have to let go of what CAUSED the anger.

So that’s it:  Everything’s going.  Everything I inherited that is now in my (literal and figurative) house must be returned to the world and so it can come back transformed into something that we both (my Mother and I) wanted but could never synchronize:  Grace.

Lord knows I need it.