I’ve been called a Beacon of Truth
and I suppose that’s true, considering I’ve spent the past five years and three
days trying to set straight a very crooked record.
I wasn’t 100% successful – who is?
– but I’ve definitely straightened out enough that I am MORE THAN READY to
matriculate.
However, there are a few things
that continue to pop up and so I’m setting the record straight here once and
for all. After this, any of the below is
a closed subject.
1. I
did not love #3. I never did, not once,
not for one instant. I saw in him an
opportunity to resolve lifelong issues and boy, howdy, did I.
2. It
is unwise to threaten someone who’s survived violence and lost everything in
the process. You’ll be surprised at how quickly
that person can disengage from even the most longed-for situation. The catalyst for this falls under the heading
of “Never Again.”
3. I’m
surprised how many people feel entitled to an explanation from me as to How All
That Happened. Unless your last name is
“Clifford,” “Crowley,” or “Corso,” you are entitled to nothing.
4. People
with low self-worth who are in violent situations typically do not reach out
for help. Particularly those who have
reached out in the past and were further traumatized (e.g., people who called
911 for help and were refused assistance).
a.
It is one of the heights of self-absorption to
judge those who do not reach out to you.
Particularly if you have chosen to be ignorant of a distressed person’s
situation. It’s actually abusive to
insist people reach out to you as you purposefully choose ignorance and inaction. You know someone is in distress? REACH OUT TO THEM.
i. Understand
it may take a few tries for the distressed person to reach back. Trust is an issue. If you choose to take the distressed person’s
mistrust personally, you are further distressing an already-overloaded person. Consider what the person endured that made
her that way.
5. It
becomes instinct for domestic/authority abuse survivors to push people
away. To these people, personal safety is
paramount and trust is hard (if ever) won.
Please don’t take this reaction personally, either. In some cases (like mine), a person would
rather live in solitude than risk anything remotely similar to what she
endured. Again, consider what the person
endured that made her that way.
6. People
who’ve experienced physical violence DO NOT LIKE FORCED PHYSICAL CONTACT. This includes “hugs.” You
might think a person needs a hug, but one who’s experienced prolonged physical
abuse does not want ANYONE to touch her (with very few exceptions). This
includes those hugs in church. This includes coming up behind me unawares
and "surprising" me. Anything
forced is forced, regardless of the setting.
You are NOT showing God’s love by forcing me to hug you so YOU can feel
like a “good Christian.” That’s actually
abusive. In church.
a.
Don’t get me started on people who drop by my
house unexpected. The police did that
for over a year. I had to answer the door then. I don’t
now. Eric
Clapton himself could show up and I wouldn’t answer. I would expect him to have some compassion
and consideration for me and my time and call first.
7. I’ve
had PTSD since 1997. Granted, it’s come
and gone, but That Situation brought it back Full. Stop. I chose not to manage it with traditional
pharmaceuticals. Understand the past
four months is the longest violence-free stretch I’ve had since March 2011. If I back off from you, understand it has
everything to do with me and my triggers and NOTHING to do with you. If you choose to ignore my reaction (“You
just need a hug.”) and continue to advance, understand it won’t end well for
either one of us.
I may very well be controlling,
distant, and aloof. No one’s got to live
with it but me, so…why’s it bothering you?
I made it and that’s enough for me.
For now.
