I Did It!

“The time may be long, the vehicle may be strange or unexpected.  But if the dream is held close to the heart, and imagination is applied to what there is close at hand, everything is still possible.”

~ Robert Fulghum 
All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten

“I did it, Daddy!  I finally did it!!”

“What’s that, Baby?”

“I published my book!  I even sold two copies!!”

Silence.

“I’ve waited your whole life to hear you say that.”

My Dad’s voice was thick.

~ ~ ~ 

I’ve lived a lifetime in the vortex of the battle between creativity and practicality.  The need to be a moneymaker vs. the need to create.  For me, the need to create is just as powerful as the need for food, shelter, heat, clothes, shoes, cookie cutters, etc.

It’s taken the last 2.5 years dancing one step away from poverty to understand:  (1) Cash money is not necessary to survive; and (2) My profound need for cash money grew directly out of my profound insecurity – if I had a ton of money, I felt OK about myself.  When all of that money went away, I had to relate to myself in a completely different way while dodging all of the falling detritus from the collapse of my life.

But that’s not the point of this post. 

What’s in us – our core purpose and passion -- will always ALWAYS be there; it never leaves or dims.  My passion to write is just as strong today as it was when I was seven and penned my first book.

When I was 19, I took a creative writing class for fun.  I wrote a short story about what’s going through Wilson’s (a basketball) mind as he’s in a boy’s hands before he takes the game-winning shot.  My teacher – a dead ringer for Joni Mitchell – thought it was publishable on the first draft. 

I was so excited!  I couldn’t wait to tell my Mama that I was good at My Thing!!

“That’s nice,” she said.  “You can write on the side as a hobby, but don’t change your major.  You need to learn something practical.”

My love and passion being “on the side” of something else “more practical” (or “more important”) is a recurring theme in my life that shall recur no more.

But that’s not the point of this post, either. 

The point of this post is:  Don’t ever give up on what you hold dear. 

You better believe I gave up on ever achieving anything after I got out of jail.  The swirling cesspool of lies and betrayal undid me.  Thoroughly and completely.

But then…

Time folded back in on itself and the veil lifted and I SAW – for the first time – The Truth of who I actually am; stripped of all the lies and all the betrayal I allowed to define me. 

I am a writer.

I am an artist.

I need to write and create and sing and dance every. single. day.

And so I did it.  I sat down and I did it:  I created my first book. 

I already had the text; it was just a matter of putting it all together.  I never have wanted to go the traditional publishing route; my deep-seated mistrust of other people when it comes to creative endeavors is just too deep.  So I sat down and put together something that – to my mind’s eye – visually represented what I was trying to describe:  How the humblest of circumstances hide the greatest gifts. 

Within 48 hours, I was a published author WITH book sales.

Not everyone can say that.

Not everyone can say they achieved their Life Dream.

Not everyone can say they achieved their Life Dream after enduring Biggest Fears #1 – 3. 

Not everyone makes it through Biggest Fears #1 – 3.

I did.

I did and it was so easy:  Everything just flowed together even though the finished product is nothing like my original vision.

It’s better.

Everything flowed and came together and I felt joy.  I felt joy in every step of the process. 

And no panic.  I felt no panic whatsoever in the hours I created the book.  That’s the longest I’ve gone without any panic whatsoever in a long long time.

It all started when The Knight looked at me like I am a flower. 

A flower that bloomed after 12 days, one year, and four months in the ground.  

12 Days 

I Quit!

So I left my very secure, very well-paying job with all of the “benefits” and all of the “title” and all of the “prestige.”  So the fairy what?  None of that NONE OF THAT got me through That Situation.  NONE OF IT. 

Yes, I’m broke and I’ve lost “friends” over asking for a ride somewhere too many times.  I’ve lost “friends” who can’t stand to see the devastation or the hurt or the truth of What Actually Happened:  They need to minimize my situation to make themselves feel better.

Yes, it was my choice to leave my very secure, very well-paying job with all of the benefits and the title and the prestige.  What I was also choosing was to leave a situation that was, frankly, abusive.  (I hope you see a theme here).  I will not dim my light to make others comfortable.  I will not compromise my integrity for the sake of another’s ego.  I will not politely laugh at grossly inappropriate remarks or antics because I’m the only woman in the department and I need to “loosen up and fit in.”  Why the fairy is any of that going on at work in the first place? 

To all who are judging my decision and not-so-quietly talking behind my back, know that (a) I can hear you; and (b) I understand your judgement is borne out of your own jealousy, fear, and insecurity.  I sincerely hope no one treats YOU the way you’ve treated me when YOUR wheel turns and crushes you. 

One person understands The Truth.  That’s enough.

The Truth is I was rotting inside.  I’d been rotting inside since That Incident in the classroom in 1997.

That Situation brought it all to the forefront of my consciousness, to be finally, ultimately dealt with. 

In other words, I was blessed with the opportunity to deal with something that’d been festering for years in addition to the apocalyptic clusterfairy I was already in.  That’s like experiencing an apocalypse squared.  Lucky LUCKY me.

Yes, I know I made a mess.

At least I did it.

Finally.

So, no:  I’m NOT going back to the environment where violence first occurred.  Why the fairy would I do that?  It only took me 18 years to figure that out and ACCEPT IT, so no, I’m not forsaking myself for my ego AGAIN. 

Look how successful I was doing something I actually, secretly hated.  Imagine how successful I’ll be doing something I LOVE.

Liberation

Today I learned an important lesson about liberation:  Some people don’t want it.

Yes, I know all about Stockholm Syndrome, but I thought that only applied to people who’ve been locked up – in one way or another – by others.  It never occurred to me that those who’ve locked themselves up can also, similarly, resist freedom.

Myself included.

I am mitochondrially aware that the moment of liberation from one’s own self-created prison is a dizzying, blinding one.  One can get The Bends from such a rapid ascension.  Some don’t make it.  Some become bitter.   Still others stay inside, despite the open doors and drawn curtains. 

Mulling over situations that continue to deteriorate no matter how much heart I throw at them, I realize:  The more you actually, truly, honestly, genuinely, compassionately love some people, the angrier they get. 

Then I realize:

That’s me.

*I’m* like that.

Still.

After all of that love.

What I see so clearly in others is the truth about myself to which I am blind.

The love and loyalty I’ve been giving Anger – hoping it’ll transform -- I now give to myself. 

I transform by removing myself from Anger’s reach.

Anger never wanted love and loyalty – or transformation -- in the first place. 

I did.

Am I What?

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”

~ Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

“Are you happy?” 

I automatically gave my pat answer, the one that makes everyone else feel better and gets me off the hook:  Off the hook of having to explain to people why I haven’t recovered from All That within their timeframe.  Those explanations wear me out the most.

I also didn’t want to explain how the entirety of my being is totally and constantly focused on only one thing:  Not succumbing to despair.  Anything else I manage to accomplish is a sheer accident. 

Obviously, my heart is programmed to pursue that which will reject and/or mistreat it.  So, until it gets re-programmed, it’s in a box in a drawer in I-don’t-remember-which-cabinet in the basement. 

So I told a lie.  To someone who was actually interested in the actual truth.

On the one hand, “happy” is thoroughly out of the realm of any possibility in any of my universes.

Content?  Yes.

Positive?  Yes.

Grateful?  Yes.

Happy?  What?

On the other hand…why haven’t I considered “happy”?

As most of you know, I am stuck in that place between “made it” and “move forward.”  Incredulous that I made it; totally unclear how to move forward.  Move forward into what?  What was no longer is and, more importantly, I don’t want to reconstruct it.  I want something else, something different.  But what? 

How do I create something when I have no idea what to create?  Something different, yes.  But what, exactly?

I start with your expression when you first saw me after all of that time, all of that trauma, and all of that stink:  You looked at me like I am a flower.

And so I will bloom.