A total eclipse of the sun occurred at approximately 10:20 a.m. PST on August 21, 2017. I watched the whole thing from my backyard.
I don’t have the words to describe what it was like to take
off my glasses and look at the entire moon blocking out the entire sun.
I came into the experience with enormous amounts of grief
and sadness and loss and panic and anger and disappointment and disgust that I
was raging against accepting as my “new normal.”
What I saw and experienced and felt and understood when I took
off the eclipse glasses and looked at the entire moon in front of the entire
sun…I want to live in those 2 minutes and 40 seconds forever and I PITY THE
FOOL who tries to push me out of Eclipse Bliss.
Clarity
Deliverance
Divine love
I felt like the entire atmosphere was hugging me.
I saw that the entire moon was in front of the entire sun
and there was still light. Even the pictures from space show this.
What I Iearned was that no matter how dark it gets – no matter
how dark the emotions or the events – the light ALWAYS shines through. Always
always always always.
For as much as I run my mouth about “believing,” in my heart
of hearts I am Doubting Thomas. I truly believe
I am somehow exempt from Divine love and protection and guidance. I always want proof. Well...I got it!
I will never again tell myself that lie.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
There’s an image of a person standing on a cliff in front of
the eclipse that’s getting a lot of attention.
While I can appreciate the logistics and technical skill involved in the
shot, I am struck by its profound arrogance.
Only a true narcissist would put him- or herself in front of a rare
natural wonder...and then brag about it.
Really, people: Go
watch the eclipse again and gain some perspective (and maturity), for heaven’s sake.
It’s the same arrogance that decided I didn’t “care” about
my Father or that I “didn’t really need” help after I came back from California
or that I “don’t need” the provisions of The Cluvane Trust. It’s not Arrogance’s decision to make and
those decisions about me which profoundly affect me made by people who don’t know
me have driven me insane.
Which leads me to the real issue: Jealousy.
Plain, old fashioned jealousy. So
trite and so cliché. My Father always
said that was my problem: I was on the
receiving end of other people’s blind green rage. I never understood what he meant until these
months since he passed.
If I had a dime for every random, overweight,
personality-disordered person who’s told me I’m “angry,” I wouldn’t need my
trust fund, lol. I learned about
projection 32 years ago in my first psychology class. Those projections have created anger in me
that wasn’t there in the first place; true.
But the start of it? It’s very
clear who the truly enraged person is.
So:
- Here’s to the fragile ego who got upset I didn’t e-mail from the hospital;
- Here’s to all of the other fragile egos who’ve jacked me up because they could not accept “No” as an answer;
- Here’s to all of the hurt little girls with Daddy issues who’ve unnecessarily made my life so much more difficult;
- Here’s to the budding psychologist who wanted to show off at the expense of our friendship; and,
- Here’s to all the people who turned their backs during the hardest time of my life.
Ya’ll never knew me.
And yet…I took all of the hurt and the rage and the anger
you projected onto me with me to The Eclipse.
All of it was transformed and I have been healed of YOUR issues.
After all of the ill-fitting outfits others threw on me were
removed, guess what was left?
Joy
Happiness
Radiance
Inspiration
Confidence
Truth
Beauty
Love
I am GRATEFUL I
lived through all of the hardships since my Dad passed away. Those 2 minutes and 40 seconds on Monday made
it all worth it.
