When The Knight called me A Beacon of Truth, I wanted to weep over how cloudy (I thought) his vision was. I am such a fraud! How could someone so intuitive and insightful and connected not see the ENORMOUS pile of muck right in front of him?
I shook my head, shamed into
silence.
“Maybe it’s best we’re far apart,” I
thought. “He can’t see the pile of shit
in which I’m stagnating.”
Then Sweet Nelda spoke to me about her vision, ending with, “I pray you
begin to see yourself as I do. SOON.”
The actual question is: What’s wrong with MY vision?
It’s clouded by my denial of my truth: MY vision is clouded. It’s clouded by my resolute conviction there’s
something innately wrong with me and that’s
why my Mama and I had the battles we did.
All – and I mean ALL – of my
choices (until quite recently) spring from trying to kill – and I mean KILL – off
those parts that render me unlovable. I
treat myself the way I believe I was treated. I (unconsciously) only let people close who
strike that familiar chord. I
(unconsciously, eventually) push everyone else away and then wonder where they
all went.
Of course, I did not have this
realization on my own. Faithful Kathy
had to tell it to me. Her voice was so soft
and gentle, although it felt like her expression was yelling. I think I actually heard her face saying, “How can you not see what’s right in front
of you??”.
How many times have I said that to
others?
And then I remembered something about
The Knight: He’s that boy who watches
from a distance, like the young hermit, using his light to see as if he were up
close. He, too, knew The Truth all
along. He’s mentioned it to me more than
once and I (internally) bristled every time, unable to listen to the voice that
makes my angels sing.
The only way I can live by a different truth is to throw the
old one out. But first I have to pick it
up. Frankly, I don’t even want to touch
it.
