I Quit!

So I left my very secure, very well-paying job with all of the “benefits” and all of the “title” and all of the “prestige.”  So the fairy what?  None of that NONE OF THAT got me through That Situation.  NONE OF IT. 

Yes, I’m broke and I’ve lost “friends” over asking for a ride somewhere too many times.  I’ve lost “friends” who can’t stand to see the devastation or the hurt or the truth of What Actually Happened:  They need to minimize my situation to make themselves feel better.

Yes, it was my choice to leave my very secure, very well-paying job with all of the benefits and the title and the prestige.  What I was also choosing was to leave a situation that was, frankly, abusive.  (I hope you see a theme here).  I will not dim my light to make others comfortable.  I will not compromise my integrity for the sake of another’s ego.  I will not politely laugh at grossly inappropriate remarks or antics because I’m the only woman in the department and I need to “loosen up and fit in.”  Why the fairy is any of that going on at work in the first place? 

To all who are judging my decision and not-so-quietly talking behind my back, know that (a) I can hear you; and (b) I understand your judgement is borne out of your own jealousy, fear, and insecurity.  I sincerely hope no one treats YOU the way you’ve treated me when YOUR wheel turns and crushes you. 

One person understands The Truth.  That’s enough.

The Truth is I was rotting inside.  I’d been rotting inside since That Incident in the classroom in 1997.

That Situation brought it all to the forefront of my consciousness, to be finally, ultimately dealt with. 

In other words, I was blessed with the opportunity to deal with something that’d been festering for years in addition to the apocalyptic clusterfairy I was already in.  That’s like experiencing an apocalypse squared.  Lucky LUCKY me.

Yes, I know I made a mess.

At least I did it.

Finally.

So, no:  I’m NOT going back to the environment where violence first occurred.  Why the fairy would I do that?  It only took me 18 years to figure that out and ACCEPT IT, so no, I’m not forsaking myself for my ego AGAIN. 

Look how successful I was doing something I actually, secretly hated.  Imagine how successful I’ll be doing something I LOVE.

Liberation

Today I learned an important lesson about liberation:  Some people don’t want it.

Yes, I know all about Stockholm Syndrome, but I thought that only applied to people who’ve been locked up – in one way or another – by others.  It never occurred to me that those who’ve locked themselves up can also, similarly, resist freedom.

Myself included.

I am mitochondrially aware that the moment of liberation from one’s own self-created prison is a dizzying, blinding one.  One can get The Bends from such a rapid ascension.  Some don’t make it.  Some become bitter.   Still others stay inside, despite the open doors and drawn curtains. 

Mulling over situations that continue to deteriorate no matter how much heart I throw at them, I realize:  The more you actually, truly, honestly, genuinely, compassionately love some people, the angrier they get. 

Then I realize:

That’s me.

*I’m* like that.

Still.

After all of that love.

What I see so clearly in others is the truth about myself to which I am blind.

The love and loyalty I’ve been giving Anger – hoping it’ll transform -- I now give to myself. 

I transform by removing myself from Anger’s reach.

Anger never wanted love and loyalty – or transformation -- in the first place. 

I did.