The Year's End

I see people bearing the load of a year tremendously difficult and I feel many things. 

First, I feel a bit sheepish as 2016 was not that bad for me.  I mean, I didn’t get assaulted, robbed, arrested, or put in jail, so I consider the year a “win.”  My expectations might seem low, but after enduring all those things over and over and over and over and over again, not enduring them is a Big Victory.  Finally clearing my name for good is one of my finest achievements to date.

Second, I am a bit worn down by Unfounded Accusations’ refusal to leave my vibration.  I was totally blindsided and flummoxed by some of the things I heard about myself this year.  All so baseless.  One pushed me to the brink of sanity, one broke my heart, and one enraged me on a cellular level.  All from a distance and all based on misinterpreted data. 

The shrink in me says these peope wanted distance and I need to let that be. 

But…that one door that slammed shut…

I stood looking at it for months, not believing it closed.  How could you, Life?  HOW COULD YOU?  After everything else You’ve thrown at me, this, this is the hardest lesson:  Sometimes one has to walk away from something most dear for no good reason.

Despite that, 2016 brought more highs than lows.  Again, any year I don’t get assaulted, robbed, arrested, or put in jail is a good one.  And a year during which I finally triumph over magnificent adversity is a stellar one.

How's the New Job Going?

At the moment, I am a double felon with a conviction for Misuse of 911, so my job is developing patience. 

Patience as I learn the judgement in the appeal I won in 2014 was never filed.  Patience while the search for the transcript from the appeal hearing continues.  Patience as my urge to turn against myself for engaging That Situation in the first place is at an all-time high.

I appreciate this situation.

I appreciate this situation.

I appreciate this situation.

I appreciate the CRAP out of this situation SO MUCH that it’s getting transformed as I type.

To turn this vibration around, I’m listing the jobs I appreciate I didn’t get:

• A position for which my education and experience is in alignment (this was a blessing in disguise as failing the background check for this is how I discovered the judgement in my appeal was never filed);
• A position at a locally-owned retail shop (no background check required);
• A position at a restaurant owned by an acquaintance who knows my story.  She politely turned me down, saying I had to put my giftings to better use (true);
• A position with an organization that specializes in hiring people with colorful backgrounds;
• A teaching position (basic mathematics and Algebra) with a Christian university (no background check required);
• A position with a European company seeking an American professional (I’ve also done hard time in the corporate world) who’s an expert in both English and math (no background check required); and,
• A position with an academic support company doing voice-over work “enthusiastically” reading statistics textbooks (no background check required)

I’m perfectly and uniquely qualified for all of those positions, right?

That’s what I thought.

I’m still a bit unsteady and so it takes longer than one might think to pick myself up and dust myself off and start all over again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

I know something’s gotta give and I’m pretty clear it has to be me.

I also know I should be sitting my ass in my chair and writing like I’ve been saying I should lo these past three years.

If only I had a clear sign that’s what I should be doing.  

Setting Straight the Record

I’ve been called a Beacon of Truth and I suppose that’s true, considering I’ve spent the past five years and three days trying to set straight a very crooked record. 

I wasn’t 100% successful – who is? – but I’ve definitely straightened out enough that I am MORE THAN READY to matriculate.

However, there are a few things that continue to pop up and so I’m setting the record straight here once and for all.  After this, any of the below is a closed subject.

1.    I did not love #3.  I never did, not once, not for one instant.  I saw in him an opportunity to resolve lifelong issues and boy, howdy, did I.

2.    It is unwise to threaten someone who’s survived violence and lost everything in the process.  You’ll be surprised at how quickly that person can disengage from even the most longed-for situation.  The catalyst for this falls under the heading of “Never Again.”

3.    I’m surprised how many people feel entitled to an explanation from me as to How All That Happened.  Unless your last name is “Clifford,” “Crowley,” or “Corso,” you are entitled to nothing.

4.    People with low self-worth who are in violent situations typically do not reach out for help.  Particularly those who have reached out in the past and were further traumatized (e.g., people who called 911 for help and were refused assistance). 

a.    It is one of the heights of self-absorption to judge those who do not reach out to you.  Particularly if you have chosen to be ignorant of a distressed person’s situation.  It’s actually abusive to insist people reach out to you as you purposefully choose ignorance and inaction.  You know someone is in distress?  REACH OUT TO THEM.

                                               i.     Understand it may take a few tries for the distressed person to reach back.  Trust is an issue.  If you choose to take the distressed person’s mistrust personally, you are further distressing an already-overloaded person.  Consider what the person endured that made her that way.

5.    It becomes instinct for domestic/authority abuse survivors to push people away.  To these people, personal safety is paramount and trust is hard (if ever) won.  Please don’t take this reaction personally, either.  In some cases (like mine), a person would rather live in solitude than risk anything remotely similar to what she endured.  Again, consider what the person endured that made her that way.

6.    People who’ve experienced physical violence DO NOT LIKE FORCED PHYSICAL CONTACT.  This includes “hugs.”  You might think a person needs a hug, but one who’s experienced prolonged physical abuse does not want ANYONE to touch her (with very few exceptions).  This includes those hugs in church.  This includes coming up behind me unawares and "surprising" me.  Anything forced is forced, regardless of the setting.  You are NOT showing God’s love by forcing me to hug you so YOU can feel like a “good Christian.”  That’s actually abusive.  In church.

a.    Don’t get me started on people who drop by my house unexpected.  The police did that for over a year.  I had to answer the door then.  I don’t now.  Eric Clapton himself could show up and I wouldn’t answer.  I would expect him to have some compassion and consideration for me and my time and call first.

7.    I’ve had PTSD since 1997.  Granted, it’s come and gone, but That Situation brought it back Full. Stop.  I chose not to manage it with traditional pharmaceuticals.  Understand the past four months is the longest violence-free stretch I’ve had since March 2011.  If I back off from you, understand it has everything to do with me and my triggers and NOTHING to do with you.  If you choose to ignore my reaction (“You just need a hug.”) and continue to advance, understand it won’t end well for either one of us.

I may very well be controlling, distant, and aloof.  No one’s got to live with it but me, so…why’s it bothering you?  I made it and that’s enough for me.

For now.