Thanksgiving

Some Crabby Pants I know were crabbing earlier today about the “holiday season.”

First of all, if none of you experienced more than two of the following:

• A broken heart
• A long hard cold look in the psychological mirror
• A miscarriage
• An arrest
• Closed a beloved business
• Lived more than a month without a garbage disposal
• Lost “secure” employment
• Probation officer assignment
• Ego-fueled shenanigans by city “officials”
• Serious financial problems
• Serious home problems (like black mold in the wall)
• Serious legal problems
• Serious medical problems
• The realization that you are the miserable bastard
• Visits to more than one different courtroom

this year, I say, “Shut the hell up.” 

Those who have experienced more than two of the above need good cheer more than anything else.  Those who have experienced some or all of the above in a condensed period of time (say, all of the above within five months) get the rest of the year off to recover.

Second of all, if what you are crabbing about is the rampant commercialism, that is called “capitalism” and I agree with you.

The Holiday Season (however you celebrate) is a time when everyone stops, takes a breath, turns to their loved ones and says, “That was a real bitch but I’m glad we’re still here.  Together.” or “I’m so glad you stuck by me through all of that.” or “If it hadn’t’ve been for you, none of this would’ve ever happened.  But I am thankful nonetheless.”  As the Pastor’s Wife says, “A thankful mind-set does not entail a denial of reality with its plethora of problems. Instead, it rejoices in our Savior in the midst of trials and tribulations.” 

In other words, it is only by grace that we survive the vagaries of both Life and the human heart.  Allow us revel in it without your snark.  Please.

Whether it be a new job (or barely keeping the one you have); a new home (or barely keeping the one you have); a new relationship (or barely keeping the one you have); a new family member (or barely keeping the ones you have), we all have something for which to be thankful.  That, to me, is what the Season of Light is all about:  We count our blessings and give each other a hug because Lord knows, Darkness will fall again soon enough.

Happy Thanksgiving one and all.

That's It!

Oh, and Another Thing

Anyone who thinks I "ruined my life" by getting rid of things I hated to pursue lifelong dreams can just EAT. MY. SHORTS.

I Finally Understand What You Are Saying

We are sewn together.

At the time, it was wonderfully romantic to hear My Beloved’s proclamation.  He is an emotionally reticent man and I thought this meant an inequality in our affection.  When he said it, I realized for the first time the depth of his love.

Since then, however, I have given some thought to what this really means.  There is some pain involved in being sewn up.  As there is in being ripped apart.

My Beloved has said several times that I rip him up.  I had no idea how that was happening or what he meant.  How could I be doing that?  I LOVE YOU.  Angry, I accused him of sabotaging us by expecting ill will:  You are choosing to misunderstand my intent. 

Angry and unapologetic, he left. 

Then I was ripped up.

I sought the advice of The Wise Old Man.  He calmly explained (again) what a bitch I can be and not even know it.  The same thing My Beloved said.  Almost the same words.  The Wise Old Man provided specific examples.  This time, I got it.

Now that I see it all so clearly, no wonder I completely enrage some people.  Of course it is only those close enough to feel my rage.  Of course, it is only those I love.  Of course I didn’t know what I was doing.  To be aware of that would mean I would have to be aware of my anger.

To My Beloved:  You are totally right about completely everything:  I didn’t even realize it.  My anger runs the show.

To everyone else:  I am so so SO sorry for all of the times I pissed you off and let you down and blew you off.  I had no idea how my anger was keeping you at a distance.  I am dropping my self-absorbed “I don’t deserve it” bullshit this instant.

To The Wise Old Man:  Thank you for saving me at the last minute from making a(nother) self-destructive decision.

To God: Your Hand guided me here. I know It will guide me out.

THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT!!!

For the second time in as many days, I have discovered that my words and my intent have been completely misunderstood.  By two of the people I care about THE MOST. 

How in the hell did that happen?

In both cases, my intent came from a place of love and compassion and kindness and a deep desire to ease (or not make worse) the burden of an obviously distressed person.  My words and actions only served to add to, not lessen, the burden.  Yes, I understand the other person was distressed and therefore could not be reached; however, I do NOT understand how my intent was assumed to be hurtful or standoffish.

I also understand what don Miguel Ruiz says about not taking anything personally; however, the same thing with two Beloveds points the finger back at me:  

WHAT IN THE HELL AM I DOING WRONG?

So I now retreat into silence because my words have only served to antagonize, not soothe.  But, before I do, I would like to state for the record: 

I LOVE YOU AND WAS THINKING OF YOU AND YOUR WELFARE FIRST WITH MY WORDS AND ACTIONS.

I understand it did not come out that way.  I am truly sorry for that.  However, it is up to you to understand and accept that my words and actions came from a place of love, not malice.

Just like it is up to me to understand and accept that I unintentionally hurt two of the people I love the most.

PS:  If I don’t know I am doing it, then maybe I AM NOT.  Maybe what you are seeing is your own projection.

The Demon is in ME

I hate the way people look me in the eye and then look away when they realize it’s a shiner and not bad make up.

I hate it in the same way I hated people cutting in front of me when I was in a wheelchair. 

I want to scream, “Yes, I have an obvious problem!  It’s mine and I own it!  By pretending it’s not there, I see yours just as clearly!”

Yes, I am in an abusive situation.  With myself.

Either look me in the eye or get out of the way. 

I don’t need another obstacle.  I create enough on my own.

Pandora's Epiphany

I just realized something:  I have lost a hell of a lot of (physical) weight over the past several months -- over 60 lbs.

What was trapped (emotionally) inside all of that weight?  All of the stuff that occurred when I gained the weight.  So as the weight melted away, all of the trapped emotions (which I could not handle at the time) were released. 

No wonder then, the release created a clusterfuck the size of the Grand Canyon.

No wonder then, I have a scar and a concussion and a black eye and two swollen feet and an arrest record.

Demons -- especially those well-taken care of -- do not go easily.

It's a God-damned miracle I'm upright at all.

Gloria Steinem Wouldn’t Forgive, but Jesus Would

All the bar people think X is a jerk.  The only people who like him are your church friends.

Sometimes people just don’t realize what they’ve said, do they?

•£•£•£•£•£•

I’m not the most liberated woman you’ve met.  Yes, I believe we should be paid equally on the job, but when it comes to male-female interactions, well…for every woman who feels she gives more, there is a man who feels the exact same way.  We just don’t understand each other. 

I’ve come to believe that understanding is overrated, anyway.  It’s acceptance that we truly desire.  Acceptance of who we really are.  Of course, we should be able to accept ourselves, but it’s so nice when someone else helps us out.

I think that’s why rejection (or the perception of rejection) stings:  We show someone our true selves and are deemed unacceptable.  If only we could quickly understand the other person does not accept him-/herself, we could spend a lot less time drinking.  OF COURSE a person who doesn’t accept themselves will freak out when someone else does.

Yes, I’m completely traumatized.  But I am surrounded by such beauty in the midst of the detritus of transformation.

And, when you get right down to it, forgiving other people is not really about them:  It’s about forgiving ourselves.  The other person is a projection of ourselves.

On the one hand, it’s disheartening the number of opportunities I give myself to practice self-forgiveness.

On the other hand, practice does make perfect.

I hope.

The Cycle

Love; love; strife; death.

Sounds about right.

I can’t barf back up the red pill, no matter how much I try.

THAT’S IT!

I keep expecting the revolutions will stop. 

But they will not. 

They cannot.

There are “breathers” between births

but that’s it. 

This is the cycle of Life.

Had I known this before I decided to re-enter

I would have re-considered.

For so long my biggest fear was abandonment.  After the humiliation, I thought I was fearless. 

The test came, however, when dueling with Love.

I panicked.

I didn’t know I panicked, I just knew something was wrong -- whatever it was.

So I sought the advice of The Oracle. 

He drew in a long, sharp breath.  He knew the truth would hurt.  He didn’t know it would kill. 

“You are just like your Mother,” he said.

He wasn’t complimenting my style or my wit or my flair for throwing parties.  He was telling me that I, too, can terrify those I love most.  And not even know it.

My ambivalence over creating my own family is in no small part due to my profound worry that I absorbed the terrible parts of my Mother.  And now there is no denying it:  My Dad confirmed my worst suspicions about myself.

I am desperate for this not to be true.  I have tried to cut, bleed, vomit, shit, cry, talk and pray it out.  I let go of my anger and I THOUGHT THAT WOULD DO IT. 

I now understand I ALSO have to let go of what CAUSED the anger.

So that’s it:  Everything’s going.  Everything I inherited that is now in my (literal and figurative) house must be returned to the world and so it can come back transformed into something that we both (my Mother and I) wanted but could never synchronize:  Grace.

Lord knows I need it.

I Cut the Wrong Cord

The LoveLights descended

took me for a ride

left me

not me

in a way

I adore.

•~•~•~•~•

Today I unwrapped the bandage and let the wound out.

Yes, I know it was an accident, but the shrink in me (my Mother was right when she said studying psychology is the worst mistake I’ve ever made) can’t help but wonder.

At the time I was deeply engaged in a terrible battle with Self.

You know those stories about poverty-stricken people who win the lottery and then blow it all in one way or another within the first six months? People whose wildest dreams come true and they are so unprepared they completely mess it up?

There were many many days I desperately wanted a release – any release – from the pain of truly understanding – and accepting – how thoroughly wrong I have been about so many things for so many years.

The incessant flow of pain and fear released by unlocking all of that self-loathing threatened to consume me. It did consume me. I just wanted it to stop.

In my blindness, I cut the wrong cord.

I cut the cord to my bliss, not my debris.

I accidentally slashed my wrist, missing the ulnar artery by one stitch.

I didn’t mean to cut into myself; I meant to cut off what I have been carrying that was not mine in the first place.

I didn’t mean to cut you, either.

•~•~•~•~•

The Summer Solstice marks the longest day of the year. In St. Petersburg, this day begins the White Nights, a celebration which lasts ten days. People love the days of long light; this is the best time to burn the chaff and the worry of the year gone by.

I say let’s do that.

Crap

The LoveLights just descended upon my heart.

Be Careful What You Wish For

What in the hell have I gotten myself involved in?