Hello. Yes, it has been a while.
That last post was hard to read, given the understanding I
have three years later. This post might
be just as hard to read three hours from now.
I see myself going on and on and on and ON blaming myself
for things that had squat to do with me. I see myself going on and on and on and ON
about achieving insight when I was really running further and further down the
rabbit hole.
Only someone who has studied psychology for decades can
achieve that level of denial.
The truth is: The
night before I wrote the previous post – Thanksgiving evening -- “My Beloved”
was physically violent. For the first
time. Of course I thought it was all my
fault.
Only someone that self-destructive can study psychology for
decades.
For the last three years, a perfect storm of bad
programming, deep-rooted psychological issues, corruption and Fate has raged
through my life, leaving nothing familiar or recognizable in its wake. It is by the grace of God that I am writing
to you today.
I am writing to you today from a calm, albeit foreign,
shore. When The Wolf came to my door, I internally
disconnected and let my body go through the motions of endurance. I was in my mind for so long it is a real
challenge to clean up and re-enter My Life.
In the first place, it took a long time to realize the storm had passed.
I do not know where or what “My Life” is. In the second place, I spend most of my time
looking over my shoulder, anticipating the next crushing wave.
It’s taken a lot of solitary, mind- and soul-numbing work to
reconcile with myself after “allowing” all that I did. It was an ever bigger battle to not descend
further into the pit of self-destruction.
Forget “one day at a time” … it’s more like 10 seconds at a time. I understand COMPLETELY why so few choose to face
– let alone wrestle and conquer – their demons.
The chance of survival, much less success, is SO slim.
In some ways, my heart is more broken now than it was that Thanksgiving
night. One thing I still can’t integrate
is how some people who were “close” to me are angry, bitter, hostile, resentful
and just plain mean that I still stand. People
who I thought for *years* were on My Team turned out to be closet underminers, slowly,
secretively chipping away at my confidence and self-esteem to keep themselves
out of The Pit. In addition to
everything else, it was necessary to recognize The Underminers and negate their
influence. Emotional despots are not easily
deposed.
So here I am today, re-constituted into an unrecognizable
form. As such, I begin to tell The Tale.
