I Did It!

“The time may be long, the vehicle may be strange or unexpected.  But if the dream is held close to the heart, and imagination is applied to what there is close at hand, everything is still possible.”

~ Robert Fulghum 
All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten

“I did it, Daddy!  I finally did it!!”

“What’s that, Baby?”

“I published my book!  I even sold two copies!!”

Silence.

“I’ve waited your whole life to hear you say that.”

My Dad’s voice was thick.

~ ~ ~ 

I’ve lived a lifetime in the vortex of the battle between creativity and practicality.  The need to be a moneymaker vs. the need to create.  For me, the need to create is just as powerful as the need for food, shelter, heat, clothes, shoes, cookie cutters, etc.

It’s taken the last 2.5 years dancing one step away from poverty to understand:  (1) Cash money is not necessary to survive; and (2) My profound need for cash money grew directly out of my profound insecurity – if I had a ton of money, I felt OK about myself.  When all of that money went away, I had to relate to myself in a completely different way while dodging all of the falling detritus from the collapse of my life.

But that’s not the point of this post. 

What’s in us – our core purpose and passion -- will always ALWAYS be there; it never leaves or dims.  My passion to write is just as strong today as it was when I was seven and penned my first book.

When I was 19, I took a creative writing class for fun.  I wrote a short story about what’s going through Wilson’s (a basketball) mind as he’s in a boy’s hands before he takes the game-winning shot.  My teacher – a dead ringer for Joni Mitchell – thought it was publishable on the first draft. 

I was so excited!  I couldn’t wait to tell my Mama that I was good at My Thing!!

“That’s nice,” she said.  “You can write on the side as a hobby, but don’t change your major.  You need to learn something practical.”

My love and passion being “on the side” of something else “more practical” (or “more important”) is a recurring theme in my life that shall recur no more.

But that’s not the point of this post, either. 

The point of this post is:  Don’t ever give up on what you hold dear. 

You better believe I gave up on ever achieving anything after I got out of jail.  The swirling cesspool of lies and betrayal undid me.  Thoroughly and completely.

But then…

Time folded back in on itself and the veil lifted and I SAW – for the first time – The Truth of who I actually am; stripped of all the lies and all the betrayal I allowed to define me. 

I am a writer.

I am an artist.

I need to write and create and sing and dance every. single. day.

And so I did it.  I sat down and I did it:  I created my first book. 

I already had the text; it was just a matter of putting it all together.  I never have wanted to go the traditional publishing route; my deep-seated mistrust of other people when it comes to creative endeavors is just too deep.  So I sat down and put together something that – to my mind’s eye – visually represented what I was trying to describe:  How the humblest of circumstances hide the greatest gifts. 

Within 48 hours, I was a published author WITH book sales.

Not everyone can say that.

Not everyone can say they achieved their Life Dream.

Not everyone can say they achieved their Life Dream after enduring Biggest Fears #1 – 3. 

Not everyone makes it through Biggest Fears #1 – 3.

I did.

I did and it was so easy:  Everything just flowed together even though the finished product is nothing like my original vision.

It’s better.

Everything flowed and came together and I felt joy.  I felt joy in every step of the process. 

And no panic.  I felt no panic whatsoever in the hours I created the book.  That’s the longest I’ve gone without any panic whatsoever in a long long time.

It all started when The Knight looked at me like I am a flower. 

A flower that bloomed after 12 days, one year, and four months in the ground.  

12 Days