Stubbornosity

It has been said that I raise being stubborn to an art form and generally, I am quite proud of that.

One of my biggest pet peeves is people who are unable to stick to their own decisions. Of course, I am not talking about changing one’s mind because an initial decision turned out to be wrong or misguided or sheer folly – that kind of decision requires strength.

I’m talking about the kind of wishy-washy back and forth that, ultimately, is a betrayal of self. Vacillating on a decision so long that the thing/person about which a decision needs to be made leaves, withers and/or dies IS a decision: It is a decision to not actively participate in one’s own life – the ultimate form of betrayal, IMHO.

However, being so stubborn that one refuses to consider the existence of any other path is starting to piss me off, too. This is the kind of thing that can kill people.

Trying to understand the lesson of this latest development, I wonder what is being reflected back to me by the Great Mirror of Life. Have I been so stubborn that the only reason I didn’t kill someone was because of their own intractable stubbornosity?

I see the circles here: The only reason Blueprint’s intractable stubbornness didn’t kill me was because of my own and the only reason my Dad lives is because of his.

But what is being reflected back? How is it all related? I know Blueprint and I have tangoed for lifetimes, but my Dad and The Surgeon? How much of an asshole has my Dad been to have to suffer so much now? Who does he owe? And…when is it all going to end?

I realize Grace has blessed this situation since its inception; however, all of the aggravation and the frustration and the heartache and THE ENERGY IT HAS TAKEN TO NOT LASH OUT is disproportionate.

I realize I should be grateful for any Grace. Some people have none (or they refuse to see it, which is the same thing). I am depressed and angry about The Surgeon’s steadfast refusal to participate the discussion about why my Dad is worse today than he was before his $250,000 surgery, while at the same time beating myself up for being so upset when really, things could be so, so much worse.

It all seems to be a titanium circle that is getting tighter and tighter around my neck.

Autumn

No one has ever wanted to cast their lot with me, not really.

People have wanted things from me and wanted to do things to me, but…stand by me? No.

And so I begin the end of the year with the same question that I began it: WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

I have endured 63 hours of grueling psychotherapy, three spiritual enemas, one complete meltdown and the extraction of my heart and I am still none the wiser that I was 266 days ago.

MY HEAD CANNOT BE THAT THICK.

Can it?

Wednesday!

That's it, Wednesday:  I have HAD IT with you.  I expect you to CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDE by the end of the month.

God-Damned Mercury Retrograde

"I accept with grace and gratitude this opportunity that I have been given."

YOUR Trash is YOUR Responsibility

What if "something" got left in my Dad's heart that shouldn't be there?

Viva La Revolution!

I did something today that I have never done before. 

I have been completely liberated.

Wah-hoo!

Yikes

Yesterday was a doozie.  No more sweeping proclamations for at least another 28 days.

I must say, however, that I am totally over feeling like Life is against me.  Thank you, Life, for showing me that You really do care about something other than my complete and utter destruction.  I am ready to make up with You.