Stubbornosity

It has been said that I raise being stubborn to an art form and generally, I am quite proud of that.

One of my biggest pet peeves is people who are unable to stick to their own decisions. Of course, I am not talking about changing one’s mind because an initial decision turned out to be wrong or misguided or sheer folly – that kind of decision requires strength.

I’m talking about the kind of wishy-washy back and forth that, ultimately, is a betrayal of self. Vacillating on a decision so long that the thing/person about which a decision needs to be made leaves, withers and/or dies IS a decision: It is a decision to not actively participate in one’s own life – the ultimate form of betrayal, IMHO.

However, being so stubborn that one refuses to consider the existence of any other path is starting to piss me off, too. This is the kind of thing that can kill people.

Trying to understand the lesson of this latest development, I wonder what is being reflected back to me by the Great Mirror of Life. Have I been so stubborn that the only reason I didn’t kill someone was because of their own intractable stubbornosity?

I see the circles here: The only reason Blueprint’s intractable stubbornness didn’t kill me was because of my own and the only reason my Dad lives is because of his.

But what is being reflected back? How is it all related? I know Blueprint and I have tangoed for lifetimes, but my Dad and The Surgeon? How much of an asshole has my Dad been to have to suffer so much now? Who does he owe? And…when is it all going to end?

I realize Grace has blessed this situation since its inception; however, all of the aggravation and the frustration and the heartache and THE ENERGY IT HAS TAKEN TO NOT LASH OUT is disproportionate.

I realize I should be grateful for any Grace. Some people have none (or they refuse to see it, which is the same thing). I am depressed and angry about The Surgeon’s steadfast refusal to participate the discussion about why my Dad is worse today than he was before his $250,000 surgery, while at the same time beating myself up for being so upset when really, things could be so, so much worse.

It all seems to be a titanium circle that is getting tighter and tighter around my neck.