Gloria Steinem Wouldn’t Forgive, but Jesus Would

All the bar people think X is a jerk.  The only people who like him are your church friends.

Sometimes people just don’t realize what they’ve said, do they?

•£•£•£•£•£•

I’m not the most liberated woman you’ve met.  Yes, I believe we should be paid equally on the job, but when it comes to male-female interactions, well…for every woman who feels she gives more, there is a man who feels the exact same way.  We just don’t understand each other. 

I’ve come to believe that understanding is overrated, anyway.  It’s acceptance that we truly desire.  Acceptance of who we really are.  Of course, we should be able to accept ourselves, but it’s so nice when someone else helps us out.

I think that’s why rejection (or the perception of rejection) stings:  We show someone our true selves and are deemed unacceptable.  If only we could quickly understand the other person does not accept him-/herself, we could spend a lot less time drinking.  OF COURSE a person who doesn’t accept themselves will freak out when someone else does.

Yes, I’m completely traumatized.  But I am surrounded by such beauty in the midst of the detritus of transformation.

And, when you get right down to it, forgiving other people is not really about them:  It’s about forgiving ourselves.  The other person is a projection of ourselves.

On the one hand, it’s disheartening the number of opportunities I give myself to practice self-forgiveness.

On the other hand, practice does make perfect.

I hope.

The Cycle

Love; love; strife; death.

Sounds about right.

I can’t barf back up the red pill, no matter how much I try.

THAT’S IT!

I keep expecting the revolutions will stop. 

But they will not. 

They cannot.

There are “breathers” between births

but that’s it. 

This is the cycle of Life.

Had I known this before I decided to re-enter

I would have re-considered.

For so long my biggest fear was abandonment.  After the humiliation, I thought I was fearless. 

The test came, however, when dueling with Love.

I panicked.

I didn’t know I panicked, I just knew something was wrong -- whatever it was.

So I sought the advice of The Oracle. 

He drew in a long, sharp breath.  He knew the truth would hurt.  He didn’t know it would kill. 

“You are just like your Mother,” he said.

He wasn’t complimenting my style or my wit or my flair for throwing parties.  He was telling me that I, too, can terrify those I love most.  And not even know it.

My ambivalence over creating my own family is in no small part due to my profound worry that I absorbed the terrible parts of my Mother.  And now there is no denying it:  My Dad confirmed my worst suspicions about myself.

I am desperate for this not to be true.  I have tried to cut, bleed, vomit, shit, cry, talk and pray it out.  I let go of my anger and I THOUGHT THAT WOULD DO IT. 

I now understand I ALSO have to let go of what CAUSED the anger.

So that’s it:  Everything’s going.  Everything I inherited that is now in my (literal and figurative) house must be returned to the world and so it can come back transformed into something that we both (my Mother and I) wanted but could never synchronize:  Grace.

Lord knows I need it.

I Cut the Wrong Cord

The LoveLights descended

took me for a ride

left me

not me

in a way

I adore.

•~•~•~•~•

Today I unwrapped the bandage and let the wound out.

Yes, I know it was an accident, but the shrink in me (my Mother was right when she said studying psychology is the worst mistake I’ve ever made) can’t help but wonder.

At the time I was deeply engaged in a terrible battle with Self.

You know those stories about poverty-stricken people who win the lottery and then blow it all in one way or another within the first six months? People whose wildest dreams come true and they are so unprepared they completely mess it up?

There were many many days I desperately wanted a release – any release – from the pain of truly understanding – and accepting – how thoroughly wrong I have been about so many things for so many years.

The incessant flow of pain and fear released by unlocking all of that self-loathing threatened to consume me. It did consume me. I just wanted it to stop.

In my blindness, I cut the wrong cord.

I cut the cord to my bliss, not my debris.

I accidentally slashed my wrist, missing the ulnar artery by one stitch.

I didn’t mean to cut into myself; I meant to cut off what I have been carrying that was not mine in the first place.

I didn’t mean to cut you, either.

•~•~•~•~•

The Summer Solstice marks the longest day of the year. In St. Petersburg, this day begins the White Nights, a celebration which lasts ten days. People love the days of long light; this is the best time to burn the chaff and the worry of the year gone by.

I say let’s do that.

Crap

The LoveLights just descended upon my heart.

Be Careful What You Wish For

What in the hell have I gotten myself involved in?