Palholes

I learned a new word this week:  “Palholes.”

Palholes are those people we sometimes have in our lives who masquerade as friends but are really assholes.

For example:

• The “buddy” who stays close with your ex after she eviscerated you and spent all of your money; or,
• The “caring” friend who picks at your deepest vulnerabilities until you explode and then, incredulous, asks, “Why are you yelling at me?”

Why do we maintain these relationships? Meaning, why do I maintain these relationships?

Fear of dying alone.

Until one day, I realized: I have already died and I was alone and I lived to tell about it.

None of the palholes were there. It has taken a long time to realize this was a deep deep blessing.

When I die again, I will hasten the process if any one of my palholes is with me.

So: Time to let them go.

• Goodbye friends who congratulated me on my promotion by asking for money.
• Goodbye friends who invite me out and then tell me they will "get me next time” when the bill comes.
• Goodbye friends who will only piss on me after I provide a detailed explanation (with footnotes) of how I got set on fire in the first place. Does any of that really matter in the midst of conflagration?
• Goodbye friends who complain that my success makes them “look bad.”
• Goodbye friends who provide personal “kindnesses” with the expectation of professional gain.

Looking at the above list while contemplating the metaphysical principle of “We attract what we put out,” I wonder: Am I really that much of an asshole?

I would rather this be a case of “opposites attract.”

Either way, it appears that some asshole reduction is in order, whether it be external or internal (I suspect a mixture of both is what’s required).

Be forewarned: That sucking sound you hear from The North is going to last a while.