Happy Halloween

Last Halloween, I got the fright of my life, from which I have still not recovered.

In the space of three hours, I experienced the death of my most favorite things: The Illusion of Love and the Illusion of Family.

It’s said that what is taken away is replaced. If there has been a replacement, I do not perceive it.

Sure, other things have happened since, few have been positive. The stripping away that began last Halloween continued for 364 days. What’s left is the cold, hard truth: Most of the people with whom I have sought some sort of connection reciprocated because they expected me to fulfill/meet/assuage a deep, narcissistic wound.

• Your refusal to connect with me was driven by an ego-fueled desire for me to not know how bad things have gotten for you. Newsflash: It was quite obvious how bad things had gotten for you in our first communication. I knew that going in. I chose to go in anyway. Out of love. That freaked you out even more. So, in the spirit of self-preservation, you destroyed me. Please consider how you have destroyed yourself in this process. For your own sake.
• Your demands for attention are really directed at your Mother. However, you are over 45 and it’s time to get over it. Capitulation to your outrageous demands will not make you feel better. Sleeping with every person you pass will not make you feel better. Gossip and back-stabbing will not make you feel better. Newsflash: What will make you feel better is resolution and recognition from your Mother (the same goes for you, Previous Bullet Point). Please go back to the Source and work it out with her. Stop expecting the rest of us to hold your hand because Mommy upset you. And please, consider how spreading misinformation will come back to you in thrices. For your own sake.
• No matter how much you wish me away, I exist. And will continue to. Newsflash: While my Dad breathes, no amount of dismissing or ignoring is going to remove me. He sees how cruel you are to me, so I suggest you change tactics. For your own sake.

So there it is: The sum total of the people I counted on, the people I placed my trust in, have not one clue as to what any of that means. They are too consumed by their unacknowledged anger.

What does this say about me?

(I know: Like attracts like. Let’s not discuss that right now.)

Yes, these Velveteen People have been replaced (for the most part) by real ones and for that, I am SO grateful. Thank you, Reals, for stepping into – at the last minute -- the holes left by the Pretends and wordlessly, without question, helping to put it all back together. I know who you are. (Finally).

What I am most pissed about is that Halloween is my favorite holiday and I have allowed my bitterness over last Halloween to mar this one. Well, no more.

This is NOT last year, and, while the most frightful things remain, most of the BS does not. The BS only continues because I keep thinking about it. Well, no more.

I may have to slit my throat to do it, but I will stop dwelling on my unwitting participation in the BS and stop being mad at the people who dragged me into it.

There are no friends or enemies, only teachers.

Thank you, Teachers of Displaced Infantile Rage. I have learned my lesson. I now give you my leave.