The Demon is in ME

I hate the way people look me in the eye and then look away when they realize it’s a shiner and not bad make up.

I hate it in the same way I hated people cutting in front of me when I was in a wheelchair. 

I want to scream, “Yes, I have an obvious problem!  It’s mine and I own it!  By pretending it’s not there, I see yours just as clearly!”

Yes, I am in an abusive situation.  With myself.

Either look me in the eye or get out of the way. 

I don’t need another obstacle.  I create enough on my own.

Pandora's Epiphany

I just realized something:  I have lost a hell of a lot of (physical) weight over the past several months -- over 60 lbs.

What was trapped (emotionally) inside all of that weight?  All of the stuff that occurred when I gained the weight.  So as the weight melted away, all of the trapped emotions (which I could not handle at the time) were released. 

No wonder then, the release created a clusterfuck the size of the Grand Canyon.

No wonder then, I have a scar and a concussion and a black eye and two swollen feet and an arrest record.

Demons -- especially those well-taken care of -- do not go easily.

It's a God-damned miracle I'm upright at all.

Gloria Steinem Wouldn’t Forgive, but Jesus Would

All the bar people think X is a jerk.  The only people who like him are your church friends.

Sometimes people just don’t realize what they’ve said, do they?

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I’m not the most liberated woman you’ve met.  Yes, I believe we should be paid equally on the job, but when it comes to male-female interactions, well…for every woman who feels she gives more, there is a man who feels the exact same way.  We just don’t understand each other. 

I’ve come to believe that understanding is overrated, anyway.  It’s acceptance that we truly desire.  Acceptance of who we really are.  Of course, we should be able to accept ourselves, but it’s so nice when someone else helps us out.

I think that’s why rejection (or the perception of rejection) stings:  We show someone our true selves and are deemed unacceptable.  If only we could quickly understand the other person does not accept him-/herself, we could spend a lot less time drinking.  OF COURSE a person who doesn’t accept themselves will freak out when someone else does.

Yes, I’m completely traumatized.  But I am surrounded by such beauty in the midst of the detritus of transformation.

And, when you get right down to it, forgiving other people is not really about them:  It’s about forgiving ourselves.  The other person is a projection of ourselves.

On the one hand, it’s disheartening the number of opportunities I give myself to practice self-forgiveness.

On the other hand, practice does make perfect.

I hope.