I Finally Understand What You Are Saying

We are sewn together.

At the time, it was wonderfully romantic to hear My Beloved’s proclamation.  He is an emotionally reticent man and I thought this meant an inequality in our affection.  When he said it, I realized for the first time the depth of his love.

Since then, however, I have given some thought to what this really means.  There is some pain involved in being sewn up.  As there is in being ripped apart.

My Beloved has said several times that I rip him up.  I had no idea how that was happening or what he meant.  How could I be doing that?  I LOVE YOU.  Angry, I accused him of sabotaging us by expecting ill will:  You are choosing to misunderstand my intent. 

Angry and unapologetic, he left. 

Then I was ripped up.

I sought the advice of The Wise Old Man.  He calmly explained (again) what a bitch I can be and not even know it.  The same thing My Beloved said.  Almost the same words.  The Wise Old Man provided specific examples.  This time, I got it.

Now that I see it all so clearly, no wonder I completely enrage some people.  Of course it is only those close enough to feel my rage.  Of course, it is only those I love.  Of course I didn’t know what I was doing.  To be aware of that would mean I would have to be aware of my anger.

To My Beloved:  You are totally right about completely everything:  I didn’t even realize it.  My anger runs the show.

To everyone else:  I am so so SO sorry for all of the times I pissed you off and let you down and blew you off.  I had no idea how my anger was keeping you at a distance.  I am dropping my self-absorbed “I don’t deserve it” bullshit this instant.

To The Wise Old Man:  Thank you for saving me at the last minute from making a(nother) self-destructive decision.

To God: Your Hand guided me here. I know It will guide me out.