Half-time

How much worse can it get?

Halfway through Lent, pressing on toward The Light despite the darkness that keeps threatening to envelope me, I pause to reflect on my progress.

On the one hand, I wonder what in the HELL I was thinking when I decided to finally open my heart’s Pandora’s Box and resolve my issues.  There is no way I could’ve imagined what I’d find there.  I am so unprepared for the fallout:  Becoming dead inside rather than endure one more heart-numbing disclosure or realization or truth or circumstance seems like my only option.

On the other hand, experience tells me there is something wonderful waiting for me at the end of all this if only if I just keep moving.  My innate tendency is to stagnate in the worst of places – believing that’s what I deserve -- and, by God, I am NOT going to do that anymore.  I’m halfway out of The Vagina of Crap and I will NOT be strangled by my own vagina (or crap).

All of that double-talk I grew up with (“You’re only pretty when you’re sleeping.”  “I love you but I really don’t like you.”  “You may be smart but you are impossible to live with.” “No one will ever love you the way I do.”) is so so ingrained I despair over ever being able to re-program my brain.

I am DETERMINED not to run an outdated program that wasn’t intended to be loaded in the first place.  Re-programming my heart, however…that’s an entirely different story.  It never entered my mind that I would get push back from people I once considered Beloveds.  NO ONE is going to emotionally manipulate me; I don’t care WHO pulls the strings.  And yet my strings keep getting pulled and I am weak from cutting them.  I feel like a newborn fawn trying standing up for the first time.

I may very well be “difficult.”  However, I will NOT dim my emerging light because someone else gets blinded by his or her own rage, anger, insecurity, and/or jealousy.  I’ve got my own to burn off.

L’Chaim!