Trash Day

Never in my wildest dreams did I think my desire to speak with a “friend” could engender a three-week-long BitchFest, but it did.

On the one hand, this person is obviously completely and totally stressed out, incapable of a simple greeting without also being hurtful and manipulative.  I understand quite well how stress can flip a person out, so I have compassion.

On the other hand…

This person’s extraordinary ability to fire out insults until I am sobbing and then turn around and demand that *I* stop because she’s getting hurt is…well…just like The Old Days.

And so here I am, ten days before Easter, finally arrived at my Core Issue, the destination of my Lenten journey.

I HATE that my Mama thought the only way to keep me humble was to break me down.  In her immigrant mindset, that was the way to toughen a person up. 

We all know what a tough, confident person I am.

Not.

It’s taken an inordinate amount of thinking, prayer, reading, therapy, drugs, and alcohol to accept the truth of my and my Mama’s relationship:  She was profoundly jealous and proud of me at the same time.  She loved and hated me at the same time.  My adult mind understands that’s how she felt about herself.  My Inner Child-driven heart…I guess it’s pretty clear how that classic Gemini duality messed me up.

I can’t describe the overwhelming relief I felt when she died:  I’d never again have to endure a soul-crushing barrage of hurt, insults, and emotional manipulation from my own Mama. 

I can’t describe the overwhelming self-loathing I feel for being relieved.  This is MY MAMA, for God’s sake.  What kind of person am I to feel relieved she’s dead?

Then I realize The Duality is in me, too, and another wave of self-loathing sweeps me out to a dark sea.

Today, I find myself again on the Titanic:  After enduring three weeks of nonstop BITCH, I capitulated to this person (my Dad is involved and so I did it to keep his program in place.  Sound familiar?  Sacrificing myself so someone won’t take her anger at me out on my Dad?) and now she’s all sweetness and light.

I SWORE 14 years ago I would NEVER AGAIN be in a similar situation and yet here I am…fantasizing about yanking this person’s double-speaking tongue right out of her head. 

That’s the person I’ve worked so hard to not be.

Tomorrow is trash day; today I fill up my three 90-gallon cans.  Sarcastically grateful for yet another opportunity for “growth,” I consciously, purposefully, and tearfully throw away everything I hated about my Mama.  Tomorrow, all I will be left with is everything I loved about her. 

L’Chaim!