Self-Absorbed

I am regularly criticized by people who demand my time and attention at their leisure and then accuse me of being “self-absorbed” when I am unable to re-arrange my schedule to meet their demands.

Yes, I AM stubborn:  I will not re-schedule class or therapy or radio shows because those are the only times you’re available.  Would you not go to work in order to spend time with me? 

I didn’t think so.

It sounds like an unreasonable request, doesn’t it?  And a tad self-absorbed, too.

Yes, I realize you don’t know my schedule…why should you?  More importantly, you need to accept that I do not share with anyone – including my Dad – all of the details about anything.  That’s the way it is – as “self-absorbed” as it may sound to you. 

I view it as “protective” – of both myself and my Beloveds…those who chose to go through That Whole Thing with me.  They understand my reticence.

Don’t tell me you’re acting out of “love and friendship” when your words are chosen to be cutting.  If I’ve learned anything, it’s how to not react to (or be controlled by) someone else’s anger.  I now understand that “love and friendship” do not require putting someone down in order to “help” them.  That’s actually the textbook definition of “abuse.”  I have FINALLY learned what love and friendship really, truly are, so your days of emotionally manipulating me are over.  You had a great run:  It’s time to change your behavior or move on and find another target.  This one has left the building.  Permanently.  I don’t give a fuck how long you’ve been around.  *I’M* out. 

And, while I’m ranting, LET’S STOP BLAMING GOD FOR HUMAN’S MISTAKES.  People seem to be very comfortable sharing with me everything they HATE about Christians (more on that in a future post, but…how is that OK?  I don’t share with them everything I hate about them.  If I was gay or Black or obviously disabled, would people be so free to condemn?).  The one thing I hear over and over and over and OVER again is along the lines of “Well…if God is all-powerful, why does He allow sickness/war/death/torture/destruction/my ex to live?”. 

The people who say this to me are not Christians and so it’s kind of like trying to have a discussion in two different languages and neither person understands the other’s tongue:  A LOT is going to get lost in translation.

However, the short answer is:  Grow up and own your behavior and its consequences.  Stop blaming “an invisible force in the sky.”  You can’t have it both ways:  You can’t say you don’t believe in God and then in the next breath blame Him for all that’s wrong in the world.  *THAT’S* crazy.

I’ve had to admit to my own treachery…and I’ve done quite poorly at it, I know!  But I don’t blame God for what happened; I blame the responsible party:  MYSELF.  That’s not “self-absorbed,” that’s REALITY.

That’s why it’s been soooooooooo hard for me to get over That Whole Thing:  Ultimately, I have only myself to blame.  To move forward, I must (a) accept what happened; (b) understand why and how it happened; (c) get right with myself so I don’t ever put myself in those situations ever again; while (d) not succumbing to the overwhelming amount of self-loathing that (a) and (b) can create so I can actually make it to (c) and MOVE ON.  But I’ve got to MOVE ON WITH MYSELF so I’d better reconcile…with myself -- a person I don’t trust and am unable to forgive. 

That’s not “self-absorbed.”  That’s learning from one’s mistakes in an effort to not repeat them.  In some circles, that’s called “maturity.”

So please, before you shoot off YOUR mouth about how “difficult” I am, consider this:  YOU don’t have to live with me; I do.  YOU don’t have to live with the mess; I do.  YOU don’t have to listen to the constant barrage of criticism and judgement that flows through my mind every single waking second of every single day; I do.  YOU don’t have to live with all of the empty spaces created by the losses *I* made; I do. 

So back off.  And, if you can’t say something nice, please consider the value of silence.  If you can’t, then I give you The Gift of the Last Word.  I hope it was worth it.