That's It!

Oh, and Another Thing

Anyone who thinks I "ruined my life" by getting rid of things I hated to pursue lifelong dreams can just EAT. MY. SHORTS.

I Finally Understand What You Are Saying

We are sewn together.

At the time, it was wonderfully romantic to hear My Beloved’s proclamation.  He is an emotionally reticent man and I thought this meant an inequality in our affection.  When he said it, I realized for the first time the depth of his love.

Since then, however, I have given some thought to what this really means.  There is some pain involved in being sewn up.  As there is in being ripped apart.

My Beloved has said several times that I rip him up.  I had no idea how that was happening or what he meant.  How could I be doing that?  I LOVE YOU.  Angry, I accused him of sabotaging us by expecting ill will:  You are choosing to misunderstand my intent. 

Angry and unapologetic, he left. 

Then I was ripped up.

I sought the advice of The Wise Old Man.  He calmly explained (again) what a bitch I can be and not even know it.  The same thing My Beloved said.  Almost the same words.  The Wise Old Man provided specific examples.  This time, I got it.

Now that I see it all so clearly, no wonder I completely enrage some people.  Of course it is only those close enough to feel my rage.  Of course, it is only those I love.  Of course I didn’t know what I was doing.  To be aware of that would mean I would have to be aware of my anger.

To My Beloved:  You are totally right about completely everything:  I didn’t even realize it.  My anger runs the show.

To everyone else:  I am so so SO sorry for all of the times I pissed you off and let you down and blew you off.  I had no idea how my anger was keeping you at a distance.  I am dropping my self-absorbed “I don’t deserve it” bullshit this instant.

To The Wise Old Man:  Thank you for saving me at the last minute from making a(nother) self-destructive decision.

To God: Your Hand guided me here. I know It will guide me out.

THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT!!!

For the second time in as many days, I have discovered that my words and my intent have been completely misunderstood.  By two of the people I care about THE MOST. 

How in the hell did that happen?

In both cases, my intent came from a place of love and compassion and kindness and a deep desire to ease (or not make worse) the burden of an obviously distressed person.  My words and actions only served to add to, not lessen, the burden.  Yes, I understand the other person was distressed and therefore could not be reached; however, I do NOT understand how my intent was assumed to be hurtful or standoffish.

I also understand what don Miguel Ruiz says about not taking anything personally; however, the same thing with two Beloveds points the finger back at me:  

WHAT IN THE HELL AM I DOING WRONG?

So I now retreat into silence because my words have only served to antagonize, not soothe.  But, before I do, I would like to state for the record: 

I LOVE YOU AND WAS THINKING OF YOU AND YOUR WELFARE FIRST WITH MY WORDS AND ACTIONS.

I understand it did not come out that way.  I am truly sorry for that.  However, it is up to you to understand and accept that my words and actions came from a place of love, not malice.

Just like it is up to me to understand and accept that I unintentionally hurt two of the people I love the most.

PS:  If I don’t know I am doing it, then maybe I AM NOT.  Maybe what you are seeing is your own projection.

The Demon is in ME

I hate the way people look me in the eye and then look away when they realize it’s a shiner and not bad make up.

I hate it in the same way I hated people cutting in front of me when I was in a wheelchair. 

I want to scream, “Yes, I have an obvious problem!  It’s mine and I own it!  By pretending it’s not there, I see yours just as clearly!”

Yes, I am in an abusive situation.  With myself.

Either look me in the eye or get out of the way. 

I don’t need another obstacle.  I create enough on my own.

Pandora's Epiphany

I just realized something:  I have lost a hell of a lot of (physical) weight over the past several months -- over 60 lbs.

What was trapped (emotionally) inside all of that weight?  All of the stuff that occurred when I gained the weight.  So as the weight melted away, all of the trapped emotions (which I could not handle at the time) were released. 

No wonder then, the release created a clusterfuck the size of the Grand Canyon.

No wonder then, I have a scar and a concussion and a black eye and two swollen feet and an arrest record.

Demons -- especially those well-taken care of -- do not go easily.

It's a God-damned miracle I'm upright at all.

Gloria Steinem Wouldn’t Forgive, but Jesus Would

All the bar people think X is a jerk.  The only people who like him are your church friends.

Sometimes people just don’t realize what they’ve said, do they?

•£•£•£•£•£•

I’m not the most liberated woman you’ve met.  Yes, I believe we should be paid equally on the job, but when it comes to male-female interactions, well…for every woman who feels she gives more, there is a man who feels the exact same way.  We just don’t understand each other. 

I’ve come to believe that understanding is overrated, anyway.  It’s acceptance that we truly desire.  Acceptance of who we really are.  Of course, we should be able to accept ourselves, but it’s so nice when someone else helps us out.

I think that’s why rejection (or the perception of rejection) stings:  We show someone our true selves and are deemed unacceptable.  If only we could quickly understand the other person does not accept him-/herself, we could spend a lot less time drinking.  OF COURSE a person who doesn’t accept themselves will freak out when someone else does.

Yes, I’m completely traumatized.  But I am surrounded by such beauty in the midst of the detritus of transformation.

And, when you get right down to it, forgiving other people is not really about them:  It’s about forgiving ourselves.  The other person is a projection of ourselves.

On the one hand, it’s disheartening the number of opportunities I give myself to practice self-forgiveness.

On the other hand, practice does make perfect.

I hope.